The Aftermath

I had been surprised a moment earlier by a friend who had just driven 4 hours to be there, and it confirmed, yet again, how friendship gives strength both to the one hurting and to the one who comforts. He undertook an incredibly long and emotional day with the sole purpose of carrying my burden, if at least for a brief moment while we hugged.

A few moments later, I turned to my left and standing 4 feet from me was the warmest smile I have ever seen in my life. There before me stood a man with long dark hair, a strong slender build, and a happy smile which gets sort of hidden behind a pretty impressive beard. He was just standing there smiling with his arms open wide. I had thought of him often as Rachel's pregnancy with Jax brought its news. We now shared a common bond that neither of us particularly care to have. I joined him in what he said was, "one the worst clubs on the planet." We are both fathers who have lost a son.

As I walked over to him, I began to fall apart inside. My eyes welled up and I could no longer keep a strait lip. I was about to be hugged and touched by one who had felt a very similar pain. For some reason, it made me feel safe. My heart was lifted in that moment, and I didn't need any defense in front of him. Even if I tried to put up a defense I think I knew he would see right through it. Neither of us said anything for a few long moments; I just cried in his arms. He broke the silence first, and he told me that he would not lie to me. He told me that the pain doesn't go away and it wont get any easier. I instantly understood something I had wrestled with before Jax was born.

During the time while Jax was in Rachel's belly, I remember thinking of this man. I would see his face in my mind, and it was there in my mind when I had become aware of just how beautiful his smile is. I remember thinking, "After losing his son, how could he possibly smile like that?" The way I felt, and honestly still feel for now, is that my heart will forever feel as though it is shattered and held in place only by the way its jagged and broken edges fit perfectly together. Or as though I hold all of the fragmented pieces in my arms and they are too many for me to hold all at once. Much like the laundry, when I forget to bring a basket along and decide to carry it all in my arms. Whenever I pick up the last piece, another takes its place on the floor. The cycle usually repeats until I am no longer too prideful to either make two trips (which I loathe!) or go and get a basket. I feel as though a piece of my heart will always be on the floor. I just can't hold it all together.

About a week before Jax came, I remember wondering if my heart was becoming callous. I did't have the same emotional feelings I had when we first found out about Jax's T18. God very clearly interrupted my thinking, and He let me know that thought couldn't be further from the truth. On the contrary, my heart wasn't hardening, it was growing stronger. What I thought was a hardening of my heart came from a deliberate act of God's grace. It was the working of that same grace which many countless people were praying to cover my family. This is what my dear friend was showing me through his smile and in his words. To say my pain will not leave or lighten may seem to bring no words of comfort, but God had prepared my mind to understand just what he meant. He spoke the truth to me in love, and in that embrace I felt a portion of my fragmented heart meld back together as a part of the healing process was taking place. I had been given a hope that made sense. I will grow from this.

I thank God for my friend often. I pray also for those of you who read this and are faced with a similar trial. May God bring healing to you through those who have lost. The point is not to escape the pain, and it's certainly not to embrace it. I want to learn to trust God with the path I walk. Scars aren't such a bad thing and many times they serve as a reminder of what we have had the strength to endure. I know that many men will lose sons and daughters as the years go on, and I just hope I will be as strong as my friend was. My hope is that I will be able to smile and give them hug, to show them they are not alone, to show them that even though they fear it they will not be crushed by anxiety and grief, and although they feel weak in that moment the strength will be given them yet again to smile. One day, to the right person, my smile will be as beautiful as my friends was to me. One day, though I still hurt, I will bring comfort.

We pray for you to be blessed by this post,

Marcus and Rachel

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." --Jesus

Gal 6:2

Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.

Eccl 4:12

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.