When the doctor said Rachel was fully dilated, I panicked. My consciousness retreated into the confines of my mind. I could not hear or sense my surroundings for about 30 seconds. I just stared at Rachel's belly and thought of the little life inside of her. My thoughts went to Joshua. I desperately wanted to stop the sun from moving, and to keep time at bay so that I could get a clear thought. I needed things to slow down while I thought of an alternative. My boy was coming like a rush of wind. The wind comes so swiftly, and although we try it cannot be held back.
Dr. Hartung told us that his heart rate had slowed, and that if we wanted time with him then he needed to come. Both of us confirmed to her with a nod of our head. We were not ready; Jax was only 30 weeks along and much too small. He couldn't survive. Rachel gave two pushes and his hairy little head was resting sweetly on the doctor's hands. The first glimpse of him made the anxiety flee. "Did God work the miracle I wanted? Were the doctors wrong? He looks so perfect."
The doctor pinched his umbilical chord and felt for a pulse. She had told us before the birth, in the most gentle way, that the labor would be very hard for him, and that he may not have a heartbeat when we first hold him. She smiled big and nodded as her eyes moved to meet with our own. She looked back and forth at us both and said, "It's beating." She immediately wrapped him tight is his warm blue blanket, which has his name stitched into the corner. I think we knew what our hearts were reluctant to believe. We asked Dr. H how she knew he was T18 and she pointed out a few things to us that our parents eyes just wouldn't allow us to notice. To us, he was perfect. Just a little small, but in reality he had no neck, his ears sat below his jaw line, his little hands were clinched, and his fuzzy chin was also just a little too small.
By this time, Jax had been in his mothers arms for nearly 20 minutes. Dr. H opened his baby blanket and felt his cut chord for a pulse. With a little less of a grin she smiled and said he still had a pulse, but it was faint. She then took him from Rachel and placed him in my arms. Immediately, the life he would never lead flashed through his daddy's eyes. The first fall, the first snowman, t-ball, high school, curfew, sending him to college, meeting his wife, holding his first child, helping him fix his leaky faucet, and about 14,000 hugs along the way. My spirit collapsed with grief. "My son, my beautiful son! I love you! I will always love you." I was weeping and crying and my body was fatiguing from the stress my body was feeling from the tension of crying so hard. I noticed through the wells of water on my eye lids that I had been dripping my tears on him. If he couldn't see or hear it, maybe he felt my love as it washed over his weak little body.
25 minutes had passed, and Dr. H took him and checked once more. He still had a pulse, but it was growing ever faint. She removed her stethoscope and put the plugs in my ears. I was able to hear my sons heart as it thumped. The sound in my ears was beyond description. I will not even attempt it. Tonight, go and listen to a loved ones heart beat. Listen with a new ear. After I heard a few beats, Rachel took her turn. 30 minutes had passed and aunt Judy brought our son Jace to see his dear little brother. Jace sat in his daddy's lap and held his brothers tiny hands. He gave them kisses as well as baby Jax's head. he knows Jax had a boo-boo and asked Dr. H to give him a band-aide. Jenny took our family pictures with Jace, and then anyone who was there came in for family pictures as well as family and friends pictures. 40 minutes had passed. The nurses had cleaned the room, the photographer had snapped over 250 pictures, and somewhere along the way we taken family pictures. Rachel's cousins gave Jax kisses as well as aunt Judy and then Grandma loved on her new little boy.
They were gone in a minute or two and Dr. H again checked for a pulse. 45 minutes had passed. Her smile was not the same. She shook her head the wrong way, and told us that his heart had given up. Our son was now where we could not follow. We had so desperately held on to him, prayed for him to stay with us, and anxiously fought against his leaving. On the other side of time, his Creator, his grandpa, and two great-grandparents were patiently waiting. They were calling Jax to themselves as well, and our son could not resist there calling. He had come to do what he was created for. His part here was done. Our capacity to love expanded beyond measure, the value of mankind has become ever clear, and the love of God has triumphed again. His heart beat for 45 minutes, but for the rest of time when we Jax's life we can hear the whispers of God's good grace.
Thank you father for your Son, and thank you Father for my son.
Marcus and Rachel
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