When I intended on writing this, My son Jax was snuggled warmly inside Rachel's belly. As many of you know, he passed away on November 29. He was with us for a total of 45 minutes. WE are having a memorial service for him at the Vineyard church in Kansas City, MO.
It was the quickest 45 minutes I have ever lived through. I have written my thoughts down and will give them tomorrow. After the service, I will post what I have written. It is basically a recount of my experience with my son. What a wonderful time we had.
Monday after work, Rachel told me we needed to go to the hospital. She was having contractions. So we went, hoping they would call her a ninny and send her home. This wasn't the case. She was dilated to 3 cm and having very steady, strong contractions. They admitted her, and we had Jax a few hours later. I have shed more tears than I thought my eyes contain. I don't know where I am getting the fluid. I find myself doing okay for a little while then in a second my emotions turn, and I want to collapse. I keep getting strength to go on. Thank you all for praying for us. I can't believe this whole process has been only about 1 month. I know it will take a lifetime to run its course.
I went from taking for granted that we would have a healthy baby to being thankful for 45 minutes with him. I have another poem to post. It speaks for itself and gives a good representation of how we find our strength. It seems we find the most strength, when we run out of our own. We have nothing left to tell God, as he knows our heart. We just let the weeping do the talking. The weeping entails joy as well as sadness, and our hearts become perfectly in tune with God's. God listening to our heart, as we listen to his.
“Crystal Tears”
One tear rolls down a rosy cheek
Its voice is soft, its voice is sweet.
Another drip from a shiny nose
Can you hear its song, do you hear its prose.
The emotion floods from inside deep,
Forced form a heart with a steadfast beat.
With pain that fills a tearful face,
Seeking strength and finding grace.
Cries to God with crystal tears,
Have sung his praise ten thousand years.
He hears in heaven, and from the stars,
He bottles our tears in diamond jars.
So when your lips are dry and sore,
But there’s passion still in your inner core.
Stand encouraged and do not despair,
For each small tear is worth a thousand prayers.
Two verses came to mind as I wrote this.
1: psalm 56:8 (nlt)
You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book.
2.Romans 8:26
And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness.
For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for.
But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings
that cannot be expressed in words.
Marcus-my heart is aching right along with yours. Take time to grieve. It is a very important part of this. Just remember that both God and Jesus have had their hearts broken. They know your pain and suffering that you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteThese times are never easy, and I am sure, that you will just think that you are starting to do better, and then something will come along that will set you back again. People always say "each day it will get a little easier"-but sometimes it just doesn't feel that way. My prayer for you, is that you are given comfort and peace, and that God will give you strength to put one foot in front of the other.
Take the time you need to to heal from this-God will continue to hold you and carry you. God understands when we suffer, and He is there to love us and support us.
Your faith is an inspiration.