Tears From a Dad: Part One

I am not the only one to ever shed a tear for their child. I know parents shed tears over their kids for numerous things: health, future, love, acceptance. It is also apparent that many people have been fortunate enough to not have lost anyone too close to them. That was me just 4 years ago. Sensitivity has gripped my mind in a very personal way. I witnessed my wife lose a father. Two of my grandparents have returned to the one who created and redeemed them. My siblings, parents and I have gone through some very intense relational difficulties, so much so that the alienation that pervades our family has left us toiling under our own burdens without the support of those who should be our biggest supporters and allies.

What could be so important that we cannot or will not love the precious life that flows through our families veins? How is the breathe of a brother or sister not just as precious as the breathe we all pray for in the life of my son Jax? Is it only possible to pray for him because he has not wronged us in any way?

"Wow Marcus, you are kinda throwing your family under the bus aren't you?"

Maybe, to a certain extent, but just listen to this line from Minister Hooper in the Ministers Black Veil by Nathaniel Hawthorne said seconds before he passed away .

"Why do you tremble at me alone?" cried he, turning his veiled face round the circle of pale spectators. "Tremble also at each other. Have men avoided me, and women shown no pity, and children screamed and fled, only for my black veil? What, but the mystery which it obscurely typifies, has made this piece of crepe so awful? When the friend shows his inmost heart to his friend; the lover to his best beloved; when man does not vainly shrink from the eye of his Creator, loathsomely treasuring up the secret of his sin; then deem me a monster, for the symbol beneath which I have lived, and die! I look around me, and, lo! on every visage a Black Veil."

The minister had lived years beneath a veil, hiding his face. The town people thought there was something wrong with him. That maybe he had some secret guilt or flaw he didn't want them to see. His life was a living illustration to show them that they were all wearing veils over their faces, which were destroying their most important relationships. These "veils" are that which separate our families. "Love conquers all," so what keeps you from your family? We cannot love with a mask on. The mask can be made of pride, anger, unforgiveness, guilt, embarrassment, and jealousy among others.

The more friends I find, the more friends I find whose families suffer. Chances are, you live in such a broken family. No one says we have to love our families unconditionally, but why not? Let me tell you what Jax has taught me as I prepare my heart for Thanksgiving. Many of us are praying for a miracle for Jax. My mother and father are miracles. My brother and sister are miracles. My wife and son are miracles.

I want my son Jax to be healthy so bad that there is nothing he could possibly do that would cause me to not love and have a loving relationship with him. I will forever pray for my family and work toward finding a peace for us all. It has been many years since my family has been together in any capacity. I am hoping through the life of Jax they too, along with you, will find a new love for family. They are a miracle in your life, do not throw them away like trash. My son Jax is priceless. I would give anything to have him in my life for as long as I live. I pray for you the same. That you would change your heart and say you would give anything to have them in your life. Even if it is to remove the mask that separates you. Remember this, a family is a collection of irreplaceable lives. They are priceless. Show them that you know this.

Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone. We all have much to be thankful for, and I hope we don't overlook it.

I am praying for all who read this,

Marcus

From I Corinthiams 13;

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;

does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.

Christmas 2010

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3-D Imaging

Hello everyone,

I had the most wonderful time the other night. Jace, Rachel, Grandma Ronda, and I went south to Prenatal Imaging. A most enthusiastic thank you goes out to Dr. Jeanette Burlbaw and her friendly staff. Not only did they give us all the time we needed to see baby Jax, they gave us

a CD, DVD, sound recording of Jax's heart, and plenty of hard copy pictures! They were so generous and loving. One of the staff members went the extra mile for us and delivered to our house Jace's stuffed frog named Tad that we left in their office.

I thought I would attempt to give you a peak into our emotions as we saw what baby Jax kinda looks like. I wonder if you have ever gone swimming in a big lake before? Sometimes you can be floating in the open water, like after you fall off of an inner-tube or maybe you are just floating around for fun. I would hope you wouldn't be taking a bath, but I suppose some people do. There are times, in certain lakes, where the water can feel like the perfect temperature around your body. So perfect, you don't even really know you are in it. Then in a flash, some super chilly water swirls by and for a minute or two your legs get pretty cold. Of course, this makes you realize how perfect the water was, and when the warm water returns it is such a relief. This is similar to how my emotions were that day.

When we saw the first 3-D image, I forgot I had any worries about my boy at all. We just looked. I couldn't hear or feel much of anything and everything seemed to slow down. It was a little slice of eternity wrapping my heart like that perfect lake water on a hot summer day engulfs your body. My eyes took in every curve, feature, and body part with such delight that i felt like my heart was glowing with joy. I just remember saying saying in my head, "My son, and he looks so perfect. He is so handsome!"

This feeling lasted for a few minutes, then I saw his little hands make an awkward little fist and his seemingly low set ears and it was like that super chilly water that kinda takes your breathe away in the lake. The reality of how short his life may be hijacked my mind and heart with a sadness that felt like a python was wrapped tight around my chest, filling me with strong anxiety. The emotions ebbed and flowed for about one hour. We would then see his little bottom, and his lips, and how he folded his precious arms and crossed his skinny little legs and warmth would again comfort my heart.

This continued going back and forth until we had

seen every inch of his body. Once I had seen all the physical anomalies that Jax had then my emotions leveled out a bit. I was able to just be thankful for his life. The joyful moments far outweighed the sad, and I felt so close to my son that I will cherish that time for the rest of my existence. It was the proudest I have felt as a dad since my first son, Jace, was born in 2008. I imagine that it will be overshadowed on the day that we meet Jax face to face and not through a screen.

I look forward to that day, and the 3-D sonogram gave me such a sense of reality. I have a son who smiles, makes grumpy faces, stretches, yawns, rests, and snuggles inside of my beautiful wife Rachel. I could no more harm to him than I could to my two year old. I love him with all my heart, and he is already apart of me. He is affecting me on a daily basis. My son has already made me a better husband, dad and man. The incredible thing is, he hasn't even taken one breath.

--Marcus

Psalm 30: 2-5

O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
and you restored my health.
You brought me up from the grave, O Lord.
You kept me from falling into the pit of death.

Sing to the Lord, all you Godly ones!
Praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime!
Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

The Raging Storm

Hey everyone,

This is Marcus. I am attempting to share with readers from the perspective of a dad. This is not the first storm that Rachel and I have been in, and the last time we went through something of this magnitude God led me back to school. It was when Rachel lost her father to pancreatic cancer in the summer of 2007 that we began our journey toward medical school. I wouldn't dare classify this as ironic that the week we accomplished the first stage of that journey and a beautiful rainbow had time to show its brilliant colors that a new storm cloud was already forming on the horizon. There is no classification system in place for the storms of life, but any storm that threatens the life of a fathers son would get the highest rating in my book.

The morning and evenings, as I have shared with a few close friends, are difficult. The evenings for a simple reason; it is hard to turn off my brain at night. The mornings are hard for a very different reason. I like to run, and I run about 6 miles 3-4 days a week. It has become incredibly difficult to finish my runs. There is a new dynamic to the strain on my heart. I find myself in the silent, dark, and chilly streets with nothing to keep me company many times but the dry, fallen leaves as they blow in the morning wind under the dim street lights. The emotions that are in my spirit find a way to flood my veins. I feel as though my heart pumps sludge. In basic terms, I suffer from a heavy heart.

I have been here before, from many different reasons of course, but the intensity makes me feel more like I am under the pressure of the deepest ocean. 90% of my day is filled with encouragement from friends, family and selected media, but these runs are where I am forced to face this situation alone. When my legs grow faint, my heart tires, and it feels hard to breathe, I listen for The One who can help. Grace is an incredible thing. It has the same feeling of being covered by the deepest ocean, except it doesn't crush. Grace lifts. I am convinced that this is the same grace that led David to say:

I love you, LORD; you are my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
and my place of safety.
I called on the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and he saved me from my enemies.
The ropes of death entangled me;
floods of destruction swept over me.
The grave wrapped its ropes around me;
death laid a trap in my path.
But in my distress I cried out to the LORD;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry to him reached his ears.
Psalm 18: 1- 6

My heart is nervous, to where will God Lead our family this time and for what purpose. The day we learned of Jax's diagnosis I said, "Something good will come of this. Something very good." I am resolved to weather this storm, to bend and not break, and Stand in Grace.

I wrote this a few years ago. I thought it was for then, but I realize it is for now.

Storms End

Life in this world - a cloudless sky

Pay no attention to what passes by

Standing in the street – one-cloud rolls

“Keep my footing” – the church bell tolls

Temperature drops – concrete cracks

More clouds coming – rain drops on my back

Hail hits hard – people get pounded

Won’t take a look – “feet keep grounded”

Drizzle turned to sheets - concrete turns muddy

I Chanced a sight – the water looks bloody

Wind rushes - trees are snapped - and towers are buckled

“I Can’t give up” – red fisted, and white knuckled

Water beats my face – “this storm’s evil”

Strained to squint – “there’s the steeple”

Legs grow faint – streetlights bend

Stand in grace, son - all storms end

--Marcus

I co worker of mine sent me these lyrics this morning.
Thank you Diana. This is so true in our lives.

There are moments on our journey following the Lord,
when God illumines every step we take.
There are times when circumstances make perfect sense to us
as we try to understand each move He makes.
But when the path grows dim,
and questions have no anwers, turn to Him.
Bow the knee. Trust the heart of your Father
when the answer goes beyond what you can see.
Bow the knee. Lift your eyes toward heaven and
believe the One who holds eternity.
When you don't understand the purpose of His plan,
in the presence of your King, bow the knee.
There are days when clouds surround us,
the rain begins to fall and the cold and lonely
winds cease to blow. And there seems to be no reason
for the suffering we feel. We are tempted to believe
God doesn't know. When the storms arise,
don't forget we live by faith and not by sight.
Bow he knee. trust the heart of your Father when
the answer goes beyond what you can see.
Bow the knee. Lift your eyes toward heaven and believe the One
who holds eternity. when you don't understand the purpose of
His plan, in the presence of your King, bow he knee.

Well, I was right. My amnotic fuild is still going up. In fact it has tripled in the last 3 weeks. Which triples my chances of going into pre term labor. All in God's hands. We continue on.

At the doctor this morning for my glucose test and to see the doctor. I'm going to ask her how my amniotic fluid is. It has been elavated the whole pregancy. Which can put me into labor.

Some exciting news this morning. Alexandra's house referred us to a prenatal 3D ultra sound place that because of jax T18 they will provide services for free. We are going tomorrow at 4 pm. Another exciting and emotional experience to come.

Rachel

This weekend was productive but emotional. We meet with an organization called Alexandra's House in Westport. This is a non-profit organizations that helps families walk through situations such as Jax. They also help families with resources to help create memories during this time. They also have an infant refuge where they take in unwanted babies. It's an amazing place full of God's love. We were very impressed. They are servicing over 400 families right now in the community. It's amazing how much is going on right here in KC that blesses so many families and we had no idea.
http://www.alexandrashouse.com/
We also met with our pastor and talked through our situation and prayed. Today we went out to a good friend's who is a photographer. She took maternity pics and family pics for us. She is such a blessing.
All of the things we were able to do this weekend were good and we wanted to do them but yet they were so emotional. Glad we did it and glad it's over.

Our Journey

Our family of three is soon to become a family of four. Consisting of a proud papa who just found out he has been accepted into medical school for the fall 2011, an eager mommy who is ready for a house full of boys, and excited big brother Jace, who is ready to share his toys, his room and his life with our sweet baby boy Jax Lee Hennon. 

After going in for our third sonogram to make sure everything looks just right, we were given news on November 1,2010 that at 25 weeks along our baby boy has Trisomy 18 (T18), commonly known as Edwards Syndrome.  T18 is a chromosomal defect that is lethal.  Many times, children with T18 only live outside mommies warm and comfortably crammed belly from a few hours after birth to a few months.  Some of the complications which have arisen from his T18 is that our sweet baby Jax has a severe heart condition as well as a stomach that is not functioning or an underdeveloped esophagus. 

With this new information, we were left heartbroken and confused.  After trying to take it all in, we realized that the doctors weren't going to help Jax with surgeries because fixing his organs would not fix the chromosomal problem.  They can't do anything to lengthen his life, which is now completely in Gods Hands.

So here we are, humbled and completely brought to our knees before God, which is where we are glad to stay.  He has been our source of strength in this life,and He has lit our path, and we will continue to depend on His direction.  Day-by-day we rush through our busy schedules, check off our to-do list, make sure the house is clean, etc...  Oh how we have quickly stopped in our tracks and seen how truly precious life is.
Our fight is now in prayer.  We are asking for all who will listen to join us in continued prayer for the one true Physician to come and heal Jax.