Our first post without Jax...

When I got on here today I really wasn't sure what I would say. I didn't even know how to start. These past few months have had a lot of firsts. Each of them contain a difficult hurdle that must be overcome. Things most people wouldn't even think about that a family who has lost an infant must face. We will miss watching Jax go through his firsts, like the first battle with the nose sucker, the first Jayhawks onsie he outgrows, his baby dedication, his first squint as the bright sun shines in his eyes, or how about the first sneeze and the two that come right behind it. Then there are the more painful firsts, like Shots, fingernail clippers that got a little too much nail, and that one person that always wants to hold him but makes him cry.

Instead, however, it seems those painful firsts have fallen to Rachel and I to bear. We had our first trip home from the hospital, our first trip to church, our first christmas, my first solo run was a difficult one at first, and claiming him on our taxes just doesn't seem right. As we hung the first picture of our son, knowing that there will be no new photos of Jax is a hard reality to wrap our heads around. I talked to Rachel's grandpa today, Roman. He asked how we were doing, and I told him that we were just getting back to normal. Then I paused and thought about that. Then I said that really, we are just getting used to the new normal. His response (he lost a son too, in 2007) was that the new normal just never seems real.

He is right. It doesn't seem real or possible. I would love to place my lips against his little chest and feel his skin on mine, and I would marvel at the fragility of his little chest as it rises then falls. I want to feel his heart beat a million miles an hour and just marvel at how hard a little babies body works to grow. The silence is an ever present reminder of our reality. However, at times the silence is broken. Jace singing "Chim Chiminee" as he spins around the room with a broom in his hand, and the never ceasing support from so many friends. We have one dear friend who keeps sending us wonderful gifts to help us remember Jax. We have thought and thought and Rachel and I have no idea how to show her what her gifts have meant to us. They are and she has been irreplaceable. She has been an instrument of Gods grace.

Now that I have put some thoughts down, I don't know exactly how to end this. God is showing his grace. Our little boy, from a biological standpoint is counted as one of the unlucky ones who did't get the right number of chromosomes into his cell. An example of how our imperfection permeates the entirety of our existence. I can honestly say though that God has shown his grace to baby Jax and the world through him in spite of his bad luck. Rachel and I have grown so close during this time. Families have grown close during this time. To each other and as well to their creator. The week leading up to new years I was feeling guilty that I didn't even research yet what Jax's name meant. We spent hours making sure Jace's was just right. I was hoping it didn't mean something pointless or worse off given Jax's illness something like "unlucky" or "unloved." Turns out, God had a plan all along. Jax means "God has been gracious" or "God has shown favor." I'm not sure Rachel and I even named Jax. I think his name was given to us.

There have been over 4,500 hits in ten different countries to Jax's blog. Not only is our new normal a reality to us, but I know that Jax has created a new normal in many lives. It's made life real to many, as people around the globe experience God's grace through Jax. To all who read this, look around you. Life is real, and see that it is Good. God has been gracious to you, he has shown his favor!

Thank you, Father, for my son. In spite of his unlucky situation, you have shown him favor. He is touching the world.

Gen 1:31

Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!