The Aftermath

I had been surprised a moment earlier by a friend who had just driven 4 hours to be there, and it confirmed, yet again, how friendship gives strength both to the one hurting and to the one who comforts. He undertook an incredibly long and emotional day with the sole purpose of carrying my burden, if at least for a brief moment while we hugged.

A few moments later, I turned to my left and standing 4 feet from me was the warmest smile I have ever seen in my life. There before me stood a man with long dark hair, a strong slender build, and a happy smile which gets sort of hidden behind a pretty impressive beard. He was just standing there smiling with his arms open wide. I had thought of him often as Rachel's pregnancy with Jax brought its news. We now shared a common bond that neither of us particularly care to have. I joined him in what he said was, "one the worst clubs on the planet." We are both fathers who have lost a son.

As I walked over to him, I began to fall apart inside. My eyes welled up and I could no longer keep a strait lip. I was about to be hugged and touched by one who had felt a very similar pain. For some reason, it made me feel safe. My heart was lifted in that moment, and I didn't need any defense in front of him. Even if I tried to put up a defense I think I knew he would see right through it. Neither of us said anything for a few long moments; I just cried in his arms. He broke the silence first, and he told me that he would not lie to me. He told me that the pain doesn't go away and it wont get any easier. I instantly understood something I had wrestled with before Jax was born.

During the time while Jax was in Rachel's belly, I remember thinking of this man. I would see his face in my mind, and it was there in my mind when I had become aware of just how beautiful his smile is. I remember thinking, "After losing his son, how could he possibly smile like that?" The way I felt, and honestly still feel for now, is that my heart will forever feel as though it is shattered and held in place only by the way its jagged and broken edges fit perfectly together. Or as though I hold all of the fragmented pieces in my arms and they are too many for me to hold all at once. Much like the laundry, when I forget to bring a basket along and decide to carry it all in my arms. Whenever I pick up the last piece, another takes its place on the floor. The cycle usually repeats until I am no longer too prideful to either make two trips (which I loathe!) or go and get a basket. I feel as though a piece of my heart will always be on the floor. I just can't hold it all together.

About a week before Jax came, I remember wondering if my heart was becoming callous. I did't have the same emotional feelings I had when we first found out about Jax's T18. God very clearly interrupted my thinking, and He let me know that thought couldn't be further from the truth. On the contrary, my heart wasn't hardening, it was growing stronger. What I thought was a hardening of my heart came from a deliberate act of God's grace. It was the working of that same grace which many countless people were praying to cover my family. This is what my dear friend was showing me through his smile and in his words. To say my pain will not leave or lighten may seem to bring no words of comfort, but God had prepared my mind to understand just what he meant. He spoke the truth to me in love, and in that embrace I felt a portion of my fragmented heart meld back together as a part of the healing process was taking place. I had been given a hope that made sense. I will grow from this.

I thank God for my friend often. I pray also for those of you who read this and are faced with a similar trial. May God bring healing to you through those who have lost. The point is not to escape the pain, and it's certainly not to embrace it. I want to learn to trust God with the path I walk. Scars aren't such a bad thing and many times they serve as a reminder of what we have had the strength to endure. I know that many men will lose sons and daughters as the years go on, and I just hope I will be as strong as my friend was. My hope is that I will be able to smile and give them hug, to show them they are not alone, to show them that even though they fear it they will not be crushed by anxiety and grief, and although they feel weak in that moment the strength will be given them yet again to smile. One day, to the right person, my smile will be as beautiful as my friends was to me. One day, though I still hurt, I will bring comfort.

We pray for you to be blessed by this post,

Marcus and Rachel

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." --Jesus

Gal 6:2

Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.

Eccl 4:12

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

Our son, Sweet Baby Jax

I know that many of you have seen the video already, but for those of you who live far away, here is the slide show that we played at Jax's memorial service. It is located on the right side of the blog in a video from Youtube.com. Enjoy! If you have not already, read my post "45 minutes 'til Heaven." It gives a moment by moment account of our emotions as Jax's life unfolded before us.

All credit for this video must be given to Jenny, with Sherfsshots.com, as she was there with our family capturing every moment. She edited and rendered this film alone, for free. It is beautiful. Thank you, Jenny.

On our wedding day, our photographer wanted to come in and take a picture of our faces when we first saw each other. Really, she wanted to capture my face as I first took in Rae Rae wearing her wedding dress. I paled in comparison to her. I told Rachel that was not something I wanted anyone else to share. That was to be our moment, and I told her I would never forget how beautiful she looked on the day when we forever join our paths together. I did not need a photo. This is not how either of us felt about the day Jax was born. We wanted every second of this day to be captured.

We want everyone to know about our son Jax. He was here on this earth with you, and he came with a one word message, love! Love your children, love your parents, love your family, love your neighbor, and love the one who made them all! Because, He loves you.

With love for you all,

The Hennon's

Romans 5:8

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Tears From a Dad: Part One

I am not the only one to ever shed a tear for their child. I know parents shed tears over their kids for numerous things: health, future, love, acceptance. It is also apparent that many people have been fortunate enough to not have lost anyone too close to them. That was me just 4 years ago. Sensitivity has gripped my mind in a very personal way. I witnessed my wife lose a father. Two of my grandparents have returned to the one who created and redeemed them. My siblings, parents and I have gone through some very intense relational difficulties, so much so that the alienation that pervades our family has left us toiling under our own burdens without the support of those who should be our biggest supporters and allies.

What could be so important that we cannot or will not love the precious life that flows through our families veins? How is the breathe of a brother or sister not just as precious as the breathe we all pray for in the life of my son Jax? Is it only possible to pray for him because he has not wronged us in any way?

"Wow Marcus, you are kinda throwing your family under the bus aren't you?"

Maybe, to a certain extent, but just listen to this line from Minister Hooper in the Ministers Black Veil by Nathaniel Hawthorne said seconds before he passed away .

"Why do you tremble at me alone?" cried he, turning his veiled face round the circle of pale spectators. "Tremble also at each other. Have men avoided me, and women shown no pity, and children screamed and fled, only for my black veil? What, but the mystery which it obscurely typifies, has made this piece of crepe so awful? When the friend shows his inmost heart to his friend; the lover to his best beloved; when man does not vainly shrink from the eye of his Creator, loathsomely treasuring up the secret of his sin; then deem me a monster, for the symbol beneath which I have lived, and die! I look around me, and, lo! on every visage a Black Veil."

The minister had lived years beneath a veil, hiding his face. The town people thought there was something wrong with him. That maybe he had some secret guilt or flaw he didn't want them to see. His life was a living illustration to show them that they were all wearing veils over their faces, which were destroying their most important relationships. These "veils" are that which separate our families. "Love conquers all," so what keeps you from your family? We cannot love with a mask on. The mask can be made of pride, anger, unforgiveness, guilt, embarrassment, and jealousy among others.

The more friends I find, the more friends I find whose families suffer. Chances are, you live in such a broken family. No one says we have to love our families unconditionally, but why not? Let me tell you what Jax has taught me as I prepare my heart for Thanksgiving. Many of us are praying for a miracle for Jax. My mother and father are miracles. My brother and sister are miracles. My wife and son are miracles.

I want my son Jax to be healthy so bad that there is nothing he could possibly do that would cause me to not love and have a loving relationship with him. I will forever pray for my family and work toward finding a peace for us all. It has been many years since my family has been together in any capacity. I am hoping through the life of Jax they too, along with you, will find a new love for family. They are a miracle in your life, do not throw them away like trash. My son Jax is priceless. I would give anything to have him in my life for as long as I live. I pray for you the same. That you would change your heart and say you would give anything to have them in your life. Even if it is to remove the mask that separates you. Remember this, a family is a collection of irreplaceable lives. They are priceless. Show them that you know this.

Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone. We all have much to be thankful for, and I hope we don't overlook it.

I am praying for all who read this,

Marcus

From I Corinthiams 13;

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;

does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.